004 - Running

I am not a runner.

I’ve tried to be. I’ve forced myself to go for runs, thinking that with the right environment or music, I could possibly enjoy myself. I did this for months before realizing that running just is not for me. No matter how hard I pushed myself, I just hated it every. single. time. I think what I hated most about running (besides the actual running part) is that it felt like I was never getting anywhere. I would run for what felt like forever and would realize that I had only gone half a mile. Or I would run with the intention of getting to the bus stop or park down the street and halfway into the run, I felt just as far away from my destination as I had when I started. I don’t know about you, but I feel that way in my relationship with Jesus, sometimes most of the time, too. I drag myself off of the couch and decide that this time, I’m really going to do it – I’m going to run hard and fast after Jesus and I’m not going to let anything stop me. The first few steps of the run seem great. And then halfway through, I am exhausted, discouraged, and feel like I haven’t gotten anywhere. Becoming the person that Jesus wants me to be and having the relationship with Him that we both desire feel just as out of reach as they did when I first started. When the discouragement sets in, so does the shame. The voice in my head reminds me of all the ways I have failed at following Jesus before, all the times I’ve started with good intentions only to stop and give up before I’ve made any progress. I berate myself for failing – again – and tell myself that it would be better to not even bother than to try and fail over and over and over. I think to myself, How could you not be able to do this? You should be where you want to be by now; it shouldn’t be taking this long. So when I read passages like Hebrews 12:1 – “Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us” – I wonder how it’s possible. How can I possibly run with endurance when it seems like I can barely run at all; when I look around and realize that on the road toward Jesus, I’m still in the exact same place I was a week ago? I haven’t gotten any better at running, and I still have so far to go. In 2 Corinthians 4, which has quickly become one of my favorite Bible chapters, Paul writes, “We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed” (2 Corinthians 4:8-9). And I love this sentence because it reminds me to find the balance between where I am and where I’m not – whether that’s not anymore or not yet. It’s true that I often find myself in places where I do not want to be – like stuck in the same place on my journey of following Jesus. But when I remember where I used to be, I realize that even though I still have a long way to go, I already have come a long way. My friend reminded me this week that growth takes time. It takes time for us to get to where we want to be, it takes time for us to realize that we’ve made it to the destination we set out to reach so long ago. And I don’t know about you, but it’s only when I look back that I realize how far I’ve come. Hebrews 12:1 is intimidating. But look at Hebrews 12:2, which says, “Looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith.” When I fix my eyes on the finish line of this race I'm running - where I should be - it feels so far away, so out of reach. But the passage doesn't say to fix my eyes on the finish line. It says to fix my eyes on Jesus, who is right. next. to. me. He's not waiting at the end of the race for me to hurry up and get to where He is. He's matching my pace, running the race with me, encouraging me and showing me how to run better. And so the race that I now run is less about how quickly I can get to the finish line and more about the relationship I get to have with Jesus along the way.

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Published in the 004 - May 13 issue of TuesdayTribe

Written by Hannah Hladek

Photo by Filip Mroz on Unsplash